I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
