You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
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The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
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Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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