the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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