Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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