1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Sober January is a disaster.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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