I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
