Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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