Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
