just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
