first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
