My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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