Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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