At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.