Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
