hotel room ftw
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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