Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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