Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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