How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
