You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
