I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
