Duck Duck Cougar?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
