Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
