I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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