I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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