Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
