Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
this hospital has no fireball
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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