i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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