my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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