dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
