I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
