he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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