Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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