my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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