You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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