the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
