so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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