I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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