if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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