this boner is exhausting
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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