When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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