Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
