Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
