Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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