I like my sex mixed with concussions.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
