I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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