Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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