New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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