you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
