apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
