So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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