i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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