i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
