it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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