I met the friendliest cop last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
