Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
