The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
