Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
