Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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