i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
