so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
