i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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